Writing is definitely more about the process and less about the product. My process typically begins when I sit down at my computer and think, and think, and think. Obviously nothing comes to me except frustration. At this point I think to myself, "Jennifer Jean you are so stupid! Do you know how much time you've just wasted?!? It's been two hours and you still don't have a damn thing on the paper!" After this I usually start writing anything. It is terrible. Many times I have to start somewhere in the middle with a random idea or sentence. I'll write a paragraph or two until I realize I have hit a dead end in which I cannot think of anywhere to go from there. So, I start another paragraph. This one too makes no sense, is completely disjointed, and does not flow with the first. It may be about a completely different subject or subtopic. Usually this paragraph ends abruptly as well: dead end number two. The third or fourth paragraph is usually when I can finally start making sense of myself. By this time I have completely abandoned both the first and second paragraphs. In fact, so I can still go back to them for inspiration, yet do not confuse myself, I will hit enter several times in a row to shove those two ghastly paragraphs out of my sight. At this time I am by no means writing in a fluent manner. I am still over thinking and desperately hoping for a light bulb to go off in my head; however, I am not hitting dead ends. Once I am finished, I usually still do not have an introduction or any gracefulness in my paper, but my thoughts are in some sort of coherent order. Now I go back and read it. This usually procures a certain amount of pain. I sympathized with Lamott's statement about writing her first draft; she was afraid someone would read it. My papers are ALWAYS just as bad as I imagined they would be. However, as I pick through it, usually the light bulbs start going off. I cut away all the lengthy,wordy sentences and add sentences as I am inspired. I also comb for spelling and grammar mistakes, but rarely catch them all. After reading through it yet again, I am usually satisfied with the content. Then, if I have time, I will print it out and go over it once more. This is usually when I catch the last of the spelling and grammar mistakes. Finally, I am finished.
The importance of the first draft in this whole process is that it gets the ball rolling and the juices flowing. Without the first draft, I would still be sitting at my computer thinking and being extremely inefficient. Lamott's essay definitely helped me because I was encouraged that my writing process was not the only on that was obnoxiously inefficient. (If you can't tell, I am obsessed with efficiency. I am exceedingly busy thus making my time incredibly valuable. Therefore, everything must be done in a timely fashion and writing is usually one of those things that I can never seem to do in a time minimizing way.) The essay also gave me hope for this memoir. I will admit I am nervous for it. It seems like it is going to be a challenge. I am panic stricken that with work, THON, and my other difficult classes I won't be able to devote the time needed to prepare an A+ paper. However, after reading this it has given me confidence to simply trust my process and not stress over it. When I sit down for the first draft, I'll just write. Who cares how it turns out? It is only the first draft.
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